“WHO IS THAT ONE WHO CAN ALLEVIATE MY SURVIVAL MODE FEARS AND HELP ME TO SURVIVE?!!”  This is the question infants and loved ones passionately seek to find an answer to.  Without prompting, they know they want to live.

The quest continues until that one single moment when they realize yes, they will survive.  They will survive because they know without a doubt they have found “that one who will cause them to survive.”

Leaving the security and warmth of the womb, they begin to interact in a very unfamiliar world.  They can’t speak the language.  Have no idea how to get food.  How are they supposed to figure out how to get their basic needs met? 

Body urges don’t make sense, they just know something is not right.  There is no safety awareness nor do they have any experience to draw from.  Where would that experience come from after all, as they have no short or long term memory.

Almost the exact same concept is true for the person with dementia.  They are having difficulty with communication skills.  Are no longer able to understand their body urges.  Again exhibit zero safety awareness.

Very often you will find them risking harm to themselves or others.  Short-term memory is gone as they slowly continue to lose more and more long-term memory.  Too, their world is becoming very unfamiliar to them.

Survival Mode Revisited

The loved one has again returned to those same needs and dilemmas they first started out in life with.  Sadly, they are still able to cling to a higher knowledge or an intuitive sensing things should somehow be different.  That’s something the infant remains completely unaware of.  It’s the shadow of memories. 

This added tidbit of knowledge wants to put the loved one over the edge.  Every situation, good or bad, becomes catastrophic.  We can, however, provide them a calm and an unshakable sense of security. This is accomplished by learning how to become “that one who will cause them to survive.”

How to become “that one who will cause them to survive”

You already have everything you need to become “that one who will cause them to survive.”   There is no new learning involved.  You don’t even need to shop around for the right “tools” to make this happen.

To accomplish this we need to fulfill each need again In the exact same way as was done when the loved one was an infant.  In other words, we need to become their main attachment figure, ergo primary caregiver.  What this means is you begin to faithfully meet their physical, medical, and psychosocial needs.  Even to the point of anticipating many of the needs even before they ask.

This is the survival plan of infants.  Intuitively the main caregiver strives to meet the needs of their newborn child in every way possible. In the beginning the caregiver is unfamiliar with what the different fussings made by the infant mean.  It’s through trial and error they learn their way.   If they supposed the wrong need, the infant continues to ‘act out.’  When they are successful, the infant rewards them with pleasing behaviors.

Add 70-plus years to that scenario and you will find I just described how to care for your loved one today.

Survival issues of Infants and elders

Just like infants:

• Loved ones need to receive copious amounts of nurturing.
• Even though the need may not be clear, they know when it has or has not been met.
• Their world can vacillate quickly between safe and calm to scary and ominous in a flash.
• Their behavior will immediately act out their sense of or lack of well-being.

Unlike infants:

• Loved ones need respect shown to their age.
• Their sense of autonomy must be healthy, robust, clearly in tact.
• Validation (echoing their own words back to them) removes that sense of uncertainty in any situation.

IT ISN’T THE DEMENTIA THAT BRINGS OUR LOVED ONE POOR QUALITY OF LIFE, IT IS A LACK OF FINE TUNING IN OUR UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT QUALITY OF LIFE IS TO THEM

The more you figure out the loved one’s behaviors, the more you are growing accustomed to their needs.  In turn you are honing your accuracy as you strengthen your role as “that one who will cause them to survive.”

Psychosocial encouragement

• Verbally remind the loved one you love them.
• Use nonclinical touch.  Rub their arm, hold their hands, hug them.
• Give them a camera over the holidays so they can take pictures.  Great activity.
• Let them lick the frosting spoon.
• Sing their favorite songs with them.