Anger is one of the easiest emotions to surface, especially when survival or the perceived threat of survival is at stake, making it the “emotion of choice” Certainly we all have experienced its “energy” one time or another.
When dementia is added to the mix however, everything becomes incredibly magnified. Why? Because the loved one may once again be returning to that exact same survival mode they experienced as an infant. Fear they may not be able to survive forces adrenaline to begin rushing through their body. And now a loved one finds themselves in all sorts of catastrophic situations. A force not to be denied.
It can make a loved one look as fierce and dangerous as the flowing lava one finds in an active volcano. Melting and destroying everything in its path. And while this may be true, realize their very core is literally on the verge of a breakdown. They are as weak and fragile as you might consider an eggshell to be. A mere ‘tap’ can break them. Putting them over the edge. You yourself may have already been burned a few times while caught in this angry path of adrenaline-induced flow of emotions.
Understanding survival mode
Adrenaline floods through the body of your loved one due to a perceived realization they may no longer be able to secure their own survival. Sometimes they experience this “super-rush” numerous times a day. On the other hand, it can continue unceasingly for days on end. It all depends on their main caregiver’s awareness there are unmet psychosocial needs. Survival mode cries (and sometimes shouts) for help. Either in acts of isolation, anger, or aggression it makes itself known.
Without a healthy psychosocial wellbeing, you will begin to see exhibition of unwanted behaviors. Danielle Render Turmaud, M.S., NCC states, “… survival mode involves adaptive physiological changes in our body that help us respond to the stressors that we are faced with. When we experience stress, a sequence of hormonal changes and physiological responses occur in our body that allow us to respond by preparing them to fight, flight, or freeze (Harvard Health Publishing, 2018).”
The loved one’s counterparts
Knowing it’s not good and knowing it’s destructive means there has to be a better way to live. What will abate if not completely put to rest the survival mode? Let’s look at what works in the loved one’s counterpart world…..the world of infants.
Realistically an infant seemingly has little to work with:
- Can’t speak the language.
- Have no idea how to get “food” (what the heck IS food?!).
- Unable to discern what their needs might be.
- Intuitively knows something is not right, but have no clue what it might be.
- Safety awareness means nothing.
- Lacking short term and long term memory leaves them with no available resources to draw from.
No wonder an infant lives in survival mode! From this perspective survival most certainly does not appear to be secured.
John Bowlby’s survival mode
John Bowlby discovered there is a very unique relationship/bond between main caregiver and infant. Purposed to ensure survival, the infant directs and leads the relationship. “That one who will cause me to survive” is how the infant defines their main caregiver in this relationship.
Main caregiver and infant are biologically predisposed to interact with each other in hopes of strengthening a tight bond. The goal of that bond being to accomplish survival of the infant. Specifically, Bowlby felt the infant directed or led the relationship and “the one who will cause them to survive“ caringly, intelligently, and dedicatedly cooperates.
Higher quality of life for the infant is achieved as the caregiver consistently meets medical, physical, and psychosocial needs. Survival mode disappears until another need arises or the infant desires to “experience” the caregiver in a tangible way again.
The art of finessing one’s needs
How then do infants express a need? Do they take a number and wait to be called? Of course not, lol. How amazing that would be during those hectic moments in life though!
An infant expresses a need by cooing, gurgling, crying, babbling, and contorting their body. Sometimes it’s happy sounds with happy facial expressions. Other times they’re very serious and something needs to be done…now. Still other times it is as though they are throwing a tirade to be compared to no other.
Regardless the behavior, calm always returns once the need(s) are fulfilled to the infant’s satisfaction. Anytime within their day however, an infant can become concerned regarding their survival. No need has gone unmet. Just a “hunger” to know all is still well with their world. Serenity shows itself once again as caregiver and infant draw close.
Similarly, the loved one
Loved ones are beginning to lose their ability to express their unmet needs. Cognitive decline is making it more and more difficult to correctly identify a need. We begin to see the loved one experiencing the exact same frustrations as do infants. Verbalizing their needs becomes nearly impossible now.
Remarkably, they can talk all day long. They can talk nonstop through your favorite song or TV program. How often have you heard them talk all the way through dinner instead of eating? But in all that they are unable to cognitively express their medical, physical, or psychosocial needs.
Notably, the loved one needs exactly the same nurturing encouragement and care as that of an infant. This time, however, respect for their age being the focus. No speaking down to them in your communications. Unconditionally avoiding the “mom” look and/or voice when frustrated. Assurance someone has their back at all times allows them quality of life. Knowing this puts survival mode to rest as they now perceive life is back to “normal.”
IT ISN’T THE DEMENTIA THAT BRINGS THE LOVED ONE POOR QUALITY OF LIFE,
IT IS A LACK OF FINE TUNING IN OUR UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT QUALITY OF LIFE IS TO THEM
Psychosocial Encouragement
- Use nonclinical touch often throughout their day.
- Ask for their opinion about something.
- Give them options, not orders.
